Saturday, October 16, 2010

Mixed feelings

i guess i am back to main reason i created this blog , to express my feelings and the real me .

The real me is not an angel , I have lots of confessions , some people may hate me , but as i said before I created my blog to feel free .

Not to review a restaurant , not to do some "da3aya" to a product , saloon or to talk about fashion , it's about me

I will repeat the same thoughts , worries if i felt that i need to do that .

I am not a good person , that makes me feel bad .

All that house thing is horrible . I can't stand it , i don't know what is going to happen , not ready Walsh , kil elee y3rfoone yadroon enee wa7da ashta6 b kill Shay . Ashta6 to plan my vacation ashta6 bl shopping , ashta6 on getting the it bag or shoes . But b salfat elbeet am not :( I feel guilty , and i am afraid JJ will hate me :( i am not sure if he is going to read this post or no .

God , waayed ta3bana .

Kil elee ga3da a7es fee b anther ekmojtama3 gala6 , bas hathe elee a7es feeh , I don't have the courage to tell anyone cuz everybody will think I am selfish woman .

When i got married to JJ i discovered that the most important thing in my life kilsh ma ynasba , Shno halshay , traveling !!

He hates traveling , maskeen he travels with me bas 3shane , bas bl9j he hates elsofar .
Mom toggle elee ysm3ich ygool enah e7na ma ken a nsfrich !! My parents y7boon elsofar waayed . So kena nsafer bl sena 2 to 3 times , 3ks JJ's family ma y7boon elsofar o ohwa ma y7eb 2

Akeed kil wa7da tkoon 7a6a f balsa image 7g elzawaaj . Fe wa7da her image enha tgoom kil yoom tswee el coffee 7ag her husband , my sister told me enha kanat t7lim blzawaj enha tkoon ga3da in her living room with her husband o 5 or 6 kids around them , yarab alaah yrzgha yarab she needs that to be happy .

My image , never thought about children , Walah i believe it when some wise people told me that God gives you what you really need , not what you want , I know I can't be a good mother , I can't be staying at home when I know that I can be hanging out or traveling . Plz don't get me wrong but walah that is what I am thinking of.why I went into treatments to get pregnant ?? Cuz everyone is getting pregnant in the family :/

Takmelat 9orat elzawaj enee akoon ma3aah , ashkalna tshaweg and we r traviling mn deera le deera , kana 7lmee enah bl weekend mn ger any planning Nsafer , we go into advantures , nswee crazy stuff . But ma 7a9al halshay

Walah I anot saying I am not happy with my life walah hubby is trying his best to make me feel happy , bas ham bad ma ygdar ygha9b nafsa 3la shay ma y7ba :(

And now the house thing , elkil ykalmne , yalaah 3ad lazm twafreen , yalaah 3ad lam tshdeen 7eelich , elshya elee ga3da a7es feeh enah khlaaaa9 wag elwanasaa ra7 , jj ra7 ynshgel 3anee :( ma ra7 akoon fbalah , o halshay mta3bneeee . Tra e7na mo el couples elee lazgeen f ba3ath , Ana 3nde my life o ohwa ba3ad bas ma agdar at7mal enah ra7 ynshgel ma agar .

He will hate me , o halshay mn el7een beda :( Ga3ed y7es nee sakheefa o ma at7mal ay responsibility . Alaah yaster walah . My next bday i I'll turn 30 enshalah , i was dreaming of special birthday , amazing gift , travel to somewhere , all these stuff to3tbar sakhfa for him cuz now ako Shay ham , i was dreaming to take that fashion styling course in uk , to go on trip with him to the state . Kil hatha will not happened :(

Think of me as silly , superficial but kil ennsan priorities in life . To enjoy every moment in my life you jj only you with nothing dakheel 3aleena is my priority . Hope u will understand


newly_wed said...

you are brave to write this post. i've started to feel cowerdly and allowed my posts only to be read by me. so as not to be judged the wrong way or have my posts read by someone i hope wouldnt get access to ( u know what i mean family or friends).

i want to point out the house thing, i thought u were married around the same time i was.. 2006? so isnt it too early for your place to come out? and if it already did THIS IS MAJOR NEWS CONGRATULATIONS BIG TIME GIRL!! this is the most exciting thing walla, i am already worried i will be 40 or 45 before i live in my own place, and my fear is legitimate considering our country. and i know you love planning and projects and traveling, it would be interesting for u to think of your house as your ultimate travel destination, where you will have all that u seek in ur travels, the hotel rooms depicted in ur house, the beautiful greenery garden, the patio, the balconies european, the swimming pool blue as the sea. the creativity the room, the big carrie bradshow closet.. the paris hilton walk in closet.. and i know u love JJ so why dont u plan what would make him most comfortable what is he lacking in ur current place, a dewaneya? why not make it versatile to fil all his needs, the colors.. invest in ur fashionable sense in ur own 'bait el3omor'.
i repeat consider ur self lucky to start this, u should be with him every step of the way cz it is urs as much as it is him, and allah ra7emkom inna ur not yet with kids so u can devote all ur time to ur husband, paris will always be there for u, and assure ur self it would be a prize for u if u progress in the house plan.

wow mashalla, im so excited for u, walla walla i wish i am in ur shoes now. me and my husband alone in a house of our own, and i get to do it while i am still 30 years old!!!!!! :)

Rumaitha said...

My heart broke when I read this. 3asa kel shai goes into place and you enjoy life wiht JJ. Bes 7abibti him being busy doens't mean he will totally forget you. You can make sure that he has you in your mind b kel sha'3la yenshe'3el feeh.

W ba3deen they say with scarifice there is a great reward. Who knows maybe after salfat el beit things will open up to make you even happier in your life and marriage. 3asa rabbi ma ye7remkom men ba3dh <3

R.ALBADER said...

Good Evening, Let Me Tell You Something. WHy YOU Got married At The First Place . . . . ???
YOu have To Thank GOD 10000 Time YOu have a Husband Like JJ. if you keep Doing This Believe Me Some Time JJ will EXplode in YOur FAce And Something BAd is GOing To Happen.
Every Person has A red Line, Don't Push Him To Cross The Red Line. The Worse Thing Will Happen .

Have A Good Evening

P.S. TO fell happy Inside ur self, Always Said Thank GOD - El7emdellah 3ala kelshay - There a Lot Of Worse people Than u and they never Complain

Anonymous said...

Don't feel guilty for not wanting to have children, and I know it is really hard especially in our culture!
I know that because even when I was engaged the people around me were planning when I should get pregnant!! It's insane, its my body, my uterus!
So ignore the people around u, just focus on u and ur husband. He needs u more than anything right now, thats marriage, marriage is not always comes with a lot of responsibilities, it doesn't mean that the fun time is over bl3aks think of it this way..u get to design ur own house! I'd dream of that day!
Choosing colors, furniture etc its so much fun! U like fashion and art, this is ur blank canvas...enjoy it!
Good luck, and hope u change ur feelings towards the house.

NewQ8 Bride said...

newly_wed : waaay walah ma tdreen shkether u made my day , 9ij 9ij i need such words . walah traa ana mestansa waayed o i am thanking God 3la kil shay but the hall thing is not easy , and one day enshalah ra7 tjarbeen enah u feel enah now 9ar 3ndich part mn q8 ;)

yes i got married 2006 , but jj is divorced , kan mtzawej when he was 2o sena 1999 :) thats why el6alab mashee . 3ashan chthee i am scared enah kil shay 9ar bsr3a
ambeeh walah bas greet your comment 7aseet shay kan thgeel 3laay o ra7 :) thanks alot dear :) enshalah t9ereen ma3ana b the same area cuz wayed kbeer ;)

SandyBelle_Q8 said...

I'll just say one thing,
the time for building a house usually takes 2 years in average, furnishing can be done as u 2 wish for, ya3ni malha wakt mu3ayan. so after say 2 or 3 years you will not have any priority in ur life but you passions no matter what they are. :) mom says: aham shay elwa7id yekon 3inda bait mulk lah, ba3dain 3adee yakil o yalbis o emish eeda bel6ofa :)
fa 3adeee la et7ateeen, the life you love just have to wait aside for a little while, o allah ewafegkm. ;)

Bint ilKuwait said...

Aaaaaah ;( la dont think like that bil3aks it's not wrong that u feel that way bad every1 got their own feelings o desiRes So don't worry don't feel guilty (big hug);*
But ilzawaj fe tanzolat lazim et9eer min both sides! That's marriage. Maybe this is the worst part of it bes aham min hatha enkum u love each other. I really know ur feeling cuz u have almost my same fantasy and I already felt it;/ bes ma tadreen "3asa an takrho shaya'an ashwa khairon likum" matrdeen what lifes holds 2 u ;p maybe it turns out in a way u don't expects it 2 be o ill like it;)
Cheer up ;D
Ildinya ma tiswa ;)
With love;**

Bint ilKuwait said...

Aaaaaaah:( its okay 7abeebtii every1 got their own feelings and desires and they don't have 2 match others feelings...,,wallah i know ur feeling exactly lana have almost my same dream about life after marriage how it would be o ena shlon it turns out the opposite!:S
bes ma 3aleeh sweet heart marriage is all about kil wa7ed yetnazal shway min ra'3bata 3ashan ilthani o aham shay enkum et7iboon ba3ath hatha aham shay.
o ma tadreen "3asa an takrho shay'an wahwa khayron lakum" u dont know what life holds 4 u ..o shino allah katib..maybe it will turn out in a way that u don't expect and ull like it nshallah :D
Wallah ildinya ma tiswa try 2 not thing negatively o be more positive o inshallah ull be just fine;**
Allah ewafgkumm inshallah ;***
o 9adgeeniii malich ela ildu3a' ma7ad be7il umoorich la umich wela ubooch wela a7ad '3air rabich "Ethker Allah yethkirik" ;)

With lots of love ;***

Gold Medal Ribbon

NewQ8 Bride said...

Rummy : Thank u so much dear :) when i post that post 9ij i was really down , el7mdelaah enshalah kil hay will be ok :) thanks alot for your time reading and posting that great comment ;)

NewQ8 Bride said...

R.Albader : Thank u so much Bro . plz plz you can`t Judge me only from this post , ana ketbta o kent methayga o i have th right ene akteb elee abeh . i got married cuz i love that Great man i am living with , he knows me well , he knows if i post something like that ene methyaga o i need him . akeed elwa7ed ygool el7amdelah 3la kil shay , plz read my posts and u will know shkether el7amdelah ana ratheya belee alah katba le , aham shay ene i cant get pregnant o el7mdelah om over it

thank u again :) plz keep visiting my blog

NewQ8 Bride said...

inspirationsbysd : thank u so much dear your comment helped me alot :)

NewQ8 Bride said...

Ruby Gloom : 7yaatee elfal likom enshalaah :) yes walah ana mestansa bas elwathe3 ykhare3 , walah o j j mbade3 lool waayed yfaker o mtwater o mwatrne ma3ah . :)

NewQ8 Bride said...

Bint ilKuwait : 7abeebte 7abeebte thanks thanks thanks :* ee walah klamich 9a7 el7yaat feeha tnazolat :) o etha kanat ma3a elshkh9 elee t7beena ra7 ykoon shay 7lo , bas walah kil step mo easy walah enshalah one day u will feel it and live it with a great man enhalah

Bint ilKuwait said...

Sorry 3al badlyat o ena i wrote twice bes lana awal post kint bil jam3a o i thought ena ma wi9alich o thani mara bil bait:P .. ajma3een 7abeebtii;** o inshallah allah esahil kil kha6watich o umorich ;***

Reema said...

you can always work out a solution between two extremes... but don't do anything because of people's influence... "those who care don't mind and those who mind don't care"

Anonymous said...

the bath&body works is now located in avenues